Okay, gentlemen. I’m looking pretty tough today. You know why? Because today’s article is about fake tan, so I have to even out a little bit. Yes, today we are going to be doing fake tanning and how a man should be fake tanning so that nobody knows he’s fake tanning because let’s be real. Fake tan can ruin you! Your friends will terrorize you. You’ll be the laughingstock of the office. Everyone at school will bully you. Your girlfriend will leave you. Why do you say? Because you’re orange, dude and men aren’t meant to wear fake tan. “But, wait a minute,” I hear you say. “What about those dudes on Jersey Shore? “They get loads of chicks.” Jersey Shore, for you in the US. What about those guys? They get loads of chicks. Yes, they do, but they are good with their tanning. They either use good fake tanning routines or tanning beds. So, now, I’m going to teach you the difference between good and bad tanning with four easy-to-follow rules you must abide by to make sure your fake tanning makes you look more like a bronzed god and not like an Oompa-Loompa. You don’t want that.
One! A ninja must know his weapons. A fake tanner must choose the right fake tanning cream. You see, I’m keeping this macho vibe going to keep all of you dudes at home like, “Yeah, fuck yeah, brah!” Engaged. All right? Yeah. All right, so get the right fake tanning cream.
In the UK, we have one called St. Tropez. That’s the right one. St. Tropez released lots of different products in their range. It’s not cheap, right. But, the best one for a guy. You don’t want to go for anything which is brown, no matter what product you choose, no matter where in the world you are. Thus, we use the St. Tropez one because it is actually, as it says on the bottle, a daily moisturizer. Let’s be honest. It’s a fake tan, right? But, it’s a lot lighter, so it serves to moisturize your skin It’s white. The cream itself is white. It’s not dark. It doesn’t feel like your painting yourself with some bronze thing.
What this does is if you use it, it says every day. Don’t do that. Use it every couple of days. It gradually builds up your tan, so it’s more covert. People don’t see it coming. It creeps up on them. So, you use this once every couple of days. As I said, St. Tropez is our favorite daily top-off moisturizer.
Don’t go for a cheap product. You get one from a shitty supermarket branded one; it’s going to make you look orange. As I said, your life will collapse. You’ll lose your job. You’ll just be walking the streets as an orange loser for the rest of your life. Be careful, people. Men who are super-orange have a one-way ticket to Loserville You know where Loserville is? It’s next door to No Friends Town. You know where that is? I don’t know. Geekburg, there we go. You don’t want to live in any of those places.
Okay, so we’ve made it quite clear, the importance of your product and, as I said, use something a bit more expensive. You go for a low-grade crap; it’s going to be crap. You’re going to look orange. Women may get away with that. They’re women. They’re meant to wear fake tans, all that shit, and we don’t care as men.
Point number two is to apply this properly and the conditions your face must be under when you apply it. The first and foremost rule is to shave, clean shave. You don’t want any stubble. Fake tan, even a fake tan top-off moisturizer like the St. Tropez one, will stick horribly in stubble. In a beard, stubble, whatever, especially light blonde stubble like mine. It will give you a ginger beard. You don’t want a ginger beard. You’re not pirate! You’re not the captain of the SS Nerd! That’s not you! You don’t want that. You don’t want to be orange, right? Shave that beard. Trust me. The fake tan will stick in here. It will give you a ginger beard effect. It will look really obvious and, you’ll have a ginger beard. Not something I would opt for in the first place unless I were a pirate. I’m not a pirate, so why would I do it, right?
You don’t want a ginger beard. You want a ginger beard which people are going to look at being like, “Oh, my god! “That guy’s got a ginger beard because “he’s wearing fake tan badly.” Women will know, and other men who use fake tan will know, and they will pity your ass.
Okay, number three. An extension of the condition of your face is to avoid the stubborn areas on your face or at least pay them special attention. By this, we mean, first and foremost, here. You know what that’s called? It’s the gap between your eyebrows, the bridge of your nose. There’s usually little hairs there and again, just like the beard, the fake tan will stick around here. It’s a prominent area of your face, and you’ll have this sort of orange effect, jaundice going on around your eyes.
Again, everyone’s gonna know, and they’re gonna think, “Oh, my god! “That guy’s fake tanned, and he’s done it badly. “He ain’t cool. “He’s a loser. “He ain’t cool. “I don’t wanna be his friend. “In fact, I’m gonna erase his number from my phone, “and he’s my brother!” Just kidding. You do that; you’re taking it far.
The other stubble area is right this bit here, your ear thingamajig. Not your earlobe. You don’t need bronzed earlobes, dude, but here. This bit here, right? Make sure you apply a small bit of fake tan there because the distinction between your jaw and there, you can’t have a white bit there and bronze here. It’s a bit obvious you’ve been using fake tan.
The next stubborn area is going to be your forehead and your hairline. Again, it tends to stick in there and then a little bit underneath as well. Just like when you’re shaving, you might miss this area a little bit and then, your neck. Be careful. You smooth it into the crevices, right? Apply it lightly in small bits around the face. Don’t put too much on, especially with the moisturizer ones; you can’t tell where it’s gone because it’s light colored. You will tell later when it turns ginger, all right?
So, apply it evenly. Avoid stubborn areas.
Our final point on the application of covert fake tanning, you know, we’re not going to go into your body that much because all these rules exist in your body. Avoid the hair on your stomach. Avoid the crevices in your elbows either side. We’re talking about the obvious way of fake tanning, i.e., when no one’s going to see your body when you’re dressed. Okay?
Our next point is thus, your hands. All right, so you’ve been applying your fake tan with your hands, you must, very quickly, wash and scrub them. The minute they dry, your hands are going to go bright orange. The more wrinkles in the area, the more likely it is that the tan is to stick in there, all right? So, thus, your hands are one of the worst places, all the crevices and that. You’ll get a fake tan in between your knuckles.
You’ll get fake tan around your nails. You’ll get a fake tan, and the palms of your hands will go orange, especially if you go to the gym. So, go straight to the bathroom, straight to the sink and scrub with a nail scrubber, nail sponge thingamajig. That’s the best thing. That’s what I use to get it out, all right? That will leave your hands not orange and fake tan-less.
However, once you’ve done that, the final tip of your hands is to apply a little bit of fake tan to the front of them there. Again, people are going to see your face and neck, and they’re going to see your hands on a day-to-day basis. So, you must make sure that color is the same as this. Apply a little bit there and leave the fingers. There’s no point even going there. Then, rewash the hands.
Okay, so that was it, gentlemen. Make sure your hands don’t give the game away. That was our four fake tanning tips. Let’s hope now you’re going to be looking more like a bronzed beach god than a rough girl from somewhere in England where people drink beer in the morning. I’m not going to say where.